You know what, I went to the conference in Alton Towers and had a blast!
I really, really didn’t want to go and trust me, I tried so hard to get out of it but in the end I just thought “right, sack up ho, pack your bags, drive down there and sit in your hotel room for 2 nights being miserable and eating chocolate”.
I was booked into a Travel Lodge which is ok, but they are really basic and this one didn’t even have a decent restaurant next to it, it had a Little Chef……Little Chef (aka Little Thief)….these guys are even worse cooks than I am.
So my first night was pretty miserable and I even considered getting in the car and just driving home again but I stayed and went to the conference the net day, which did I mention was at ALTON TOWERS. How cool is that.
The conference was pretty rubbish to be honest but I met some really nice people. After the first day we all went for a drink in the bar where I was moaning about my crappy hotel room so this lovely wee man who was organising the conference scammed me a free room in the Alton Towers hotel. Room service, Sky TV, free shower gel, I was like a pig in mud and I didn’t even have to pay a penny. I was so chuffed and I got to go to this big gala dinner they were having in the hotel with a big swing band and this crazy wee American magician who tried to stick me in a box and cut me in half. No word of a lie.
It’s a long story but basically when they were practising his wife wouldn’t fit in the box and because I’m pretty small he thought, “you’ll do” so I had to climb inside this big wooden box whilst he shoved a big sheet of metal and a hollow tube through.
He made me promise not to tell how it’s done so I won’t and besides he was a nice wee man, if a bit crazy and he did give me a stuffed fireman bear afterwards so I couldn’t possibly reveal his secrets.
So anyway, I was inside this box thing and he was shoving great big sheets of metal through and shouting “guide the blade, guide the blade” which wasn’t an altogether pleasant experience if I’m honest and his wife was outside yelling
“You ok in there honey”?
Hello! I’m being cut in half by your husband here, I’m not enjoying this!
She was a lovely lady but she was one of these people who just smile all the time when they’re talking, which just isn’t normal.
Turns out however that I was too big for the box. When he tried to shove the hollow tube through he couldn’t get it past my head. I’m 5 foot 2 and weigh 7 and a half stone, this box was built for an 8 year old child. Luckily there was none of these running around or he would probably have grabbed it and tried to decapitate it with his great big hollow tube because you could see he was getting desperate by this stage.
My moment in the spotlight was snatched away from me. Damn shame.
So instead I sat up in the bar with all the other guys till silly o clock in the morning drinking things with cherries and umbrellas in them and yes, I was the last in the bar. I’m hardcore me.
The next day we got free priority passes into the theme park which was ace because we didn’t have to queue at all, we just waltzed past waving our V.I.P passes whilst everyone gave us dirty looks and we just glared back with our “don’t you know who I am” looks.
I was so proud of myself. I went on every single ride. Last time I went to Alton Towers I queued for an hour and a half for Nemesis only to chicken out just as I was about to get on. Hubby has never let me live that one down but one in the eye to you pal because I went on every single ride.
Admittedly I kept my eyes closed on every single one and I only went on because I had gained a bit of a reputation for being pretty much game for anything, you know, with the being cut in half thing, and I didn’t want to destroy the illusion but that’s beside the point. I still did it. I was so proud of myself.
So Alton Towers was pretty much brilliant. I had such a good time I really don’t know what all the moaning was about.
Don't mess with my bear, he's a fireman!