Oh my goodness, I’m sooo broody, I’m obsessed with babies, absolutely obsessed.

I am just going to have one, I have to admit the maternity leave is a big attraction but I WANT A BABY damn it!
I have names already chosen and everything and I have taken to watching these silly programmes on Living like Special Delivery and others with equally daft names. My husband thinks I have finally lost it…..he could be right!

Maybe I could just buy one of the internet or something, I don’t really want to be pregnant but I want the baby. If they could send it over round about September time then that would mean I could get my summer holiday out of the way first which would be good and if they could send one that’s past the waking up 5 times a night stage then that would be even better.

I love the way babies smell, the first thing I do when I see a baby is sniff their head and they all have this smell. It’s kind of a mixture of fluffy clouds and warm milk and bunny rabbits.
Damn it I want one.

And those faces they pull when they sleep and the little grunty noises they make, it’s so damn gorgeous and I damn well want one.

Damn it!!!!

Am all hugged out.

Apparently you learn something new every day. Todays lesson was Do Not Mess With the Shredder.

Me and that machine had a serious disagreement this morning. Needless to say I came off worse and by the time I had finished jamming it up, trying to empty it and kicking it a couple of times you couldn’t even see the floor. It looked like it had been snowing.

‘Best clean up after myself I thought’ and I did, for a crazy wee minute there, think about running away and denying all knowledge but that would be wrong and irresponsible and never let it be said that I’m irresponsible because if you do I will be forced to smack you. The truth hurts and all that. Only kidding, I wouldn’t really smack you, I’d just go in a huff. No, no I wouldn’t, I’m a nice person really, and very responsible.
Anyway, off I trot to the cleaners cupboard to get the hoover and wouldn’t you know it, it’s one of these annoying little ones that you have to drag after you and keeps bashing you ankles and to add insult to injury it had a big smiley face painted on the side so it kept grinning at me as it attempted to put me in plaster so I gave it a couple of kicks too just to make myself feel better because I woke up in a bad mood this morning, never have guessed would you!

So when I eventually finished lugging the stupid thing around and swearing under my breath I went to put it back in the cupboard and I’m struggling with it trying to shove it back in and the door closed on me. It’s a really big heavy door and it whacked me right on the ass and shoved me into the cupboard. And, I landed on the hoover!

So I sat there, in the dark, with bits of shredded paper in my hair, feeling sorry for myself but then I started thinking that if I could just stay there and nobody would find me all morning and it would be great and then I got the giggles and thought I better come out before someone opened the door and found me because I looked like a bit of a crazy woman sitting in the dark with shredded paper in my hair, laughing my head off.

Oh Nonny, you are really grasping at straws here, posting about breaking the shredder. Go get a life so you have something interesting to write about.
On a brighter note my baby comes home tonight, can’t wait!!!!!

For some reason my computer won’t let me reply to comments (stupid, stupid machine). It’s because I’m at work and it knows I’m using the internet for non work related purposes (stupid stupid machine).
So anyway Lyndj, buy the dress I say, BUY THE DRESS! I would, but then I’m always skint because I spend all my money on shoes so I’m probably not the best person to take advice of but BUY THE DRESS!

Me and Hubby went out for a meal last night and he didn’t wear the gold stilettos. I said if he let me wear them he could have them next week for this do at work he’s going to.
Oh my goodness, he is so going to kill me when he reads this and realises I have been spreading vicious rumours about him all over the internet.
We went to this gorgeous little Italian place , it was one of these places where everybody smiles at you when you walk in but it wasn’t one of these,‘Hi, how you doing, you have a nice day now, I think I’m American’ fake smiles, they were just all really, really nice and the food was a-m-a-z-i-n-g!!!!
I had potato skins to start with which I love anyway but I swear when they brought this plate out there was a whole field of potatoes on it but damn it I ate it, every little last bit, it nearly killed me but I ate it. And that was only the starter. By the time I finished the main course (which was chicken, because I always have chicken) I was in pain. Hubby had this weird shellfish thing that liked a bit like it had been regurgitated to be honest but he said it was really nice. It is now my new favourite place to eat, and Hubby’s and believe me, it takes a lot to impress my husband so am feeing quite smug and pleased with myself that I found it because I’m so wonderful and great and I know all the best places to go you know.

I phoned Mini Man last night. I was all excited waiting to hear about his day and how much he was missing me. The conversation went something like this:
Him: I’ll be wanting three pounds of you on Saturday”.
Me: “Oh right, why’s that then”?
“Because you forgot to give me my pocket money last week, you won’t forget now will you”?
“No, are you missing us then”?
“Yeah,, of course. Three pound now, ok”
“Ok, three pound, so what have you been up to”
“I know what I’m going to spend it on”
“What”??????
“My three pounds, you won’t forget now”………

Obviously pining for his mother!

My son has gone to Sheffield for 3 days to stay with the in laws. He has been gone for one night and I don’t know what to do with myself.
He made me a smiley face thingy out of a paper plate so I would look at it when I miss him and he would be smiling at me and he made me cry (flipping heck, it’s only 3 days).
When we got back after leaving him last night the house was so quiet so I went up to his bedroom and stood on a Bay Blade that I had been yelling at him to pick up of the floor the day before and then that made me cry because I am a horrible, horrible mother who sends her son away and then goes around stamping on all his toys and breaking them.
When I phoned him to say goodnight he was all tucked up in bed and we said his prayers over the phone and then that made me cry again because I couldn’t kiss him goodnight.
3 days, flipping heck!

It’s Hubby’s birthday today, 33, you old git, ha ha. I’m catching him up fast, don’t know what I’m laughing at.
He is impossible to buy presents for, he never wants anything, I practically had to force him to choose something yesterday, crazy man. When it’s my birthday I give him a list of about 10 things 3 months in advance which mysteriously seems to increase in size every week until the big day arrives. All he keeps saying is “But I don’t need anything”! Duh, you don’t get stuff for your birthday because you need it! You get it because you want it!
I don’t know why this is such a hard concept for my husband to grasp. Like when I buy new shoes he says “Did you need them”? Well no, nobody actually needs a pair of gold 3 inch stiletto sandals with sparkly bits across the toes do they, but I wanted them but, actually, you need them because they make me happy which in turn makes you happy because I am much more pleasant to be around when I am not pining for the gold stilettos that I didn’t buy because I didn’t think I needed them and isn’t that the best birthday present of all.
Good grief, it’s not rocket science. For such a clever man he can be a bit dim sometimes.

We are going out for a meal tonight. I might wear my gold stilettos.

Do you wanna see my new wooden floor? Do ya? No…well tough, cos I’m showing you and it’s the best damn thing on the internet I tell ya

NOBODY is allowed to walk on it!

Yeah, yeah, I know I'm supposed to be laying your floor but hey, it's Sponge Bob!

Me and Theresa (slightly tipsy - as if you hadn't guessed)

Have put this one in because am missing Lewis tonight.......and the beaches

Night. X

Today I learnt the offside rule and it’s easy peasy….

You’re in a shoe shop and you’re second in the queue. There is a gorgeous pair of shoes behind the counter that you are desperate to buy but another shopper stand between you and the shoes.
Both you and the other shopper have forgotten your purses.
Your friend is at the back of the shop trying on another pair of shoes. She sees your dilemma. She has got a purse.
It would be rude to step in front of the other shopper without even having a purse so your friend at the back of the shop throws her purse to you.
Once in possession of the purse you can step in front of the other shopper and purchase the shoes.
Alternately, whilst the purse is on flight you can nip in front of the shopper, take possession of the purse and then purchase the shoes.

So there you go. Apparently football is not just a bunch of men chasing a ball, it has all these rules and stuff.
Who knew!

Oh my goodness, where to start. I have so many things buzzing round in my head today I’m a bit all over the place.

I haven’t posted for agessssss, so here’s a quick summary of the last 2 weeks. The stupid air force tried to make us go to Cyprus but we said “no”. Everyone thinks I’m nuts but I don’t care, I’m from the Hebrides for goodness sake, how would I survive over there. If it’s not Gale force winds and horizontal rain I’m no liking it.

Hubby went away, then came back, then went away, then came back. Currently he is back. I think. But I’m losing track.

I bought a new computer desk (Oooh, I love it, I’m going to take a picture) and book case from Ikea which sat in the house for ages because Hubby was away and I can’t follow these stupid directions you get with it so as soon as he got back I was all “yeah, yeah, good to see you, now fix my bookcase!”
I get very excitable when it comes to Ikea. Don’t stand between and the flat pack!

I haven’t eaten chocolate for 10 days! 10 days. Do not underestimate that statement. This is like a major achievement for me. I don’t think I have ever, ever gone that long before. I mean I can quite easily get up in the morning and have a couple of caramel eggs for my breakfast. I crave chocolate and if I don’t get a fix every few hours I’m a BITCH.
10 days! And I don’t even want any! I am very impressed with myself. A couple of the guys at work have stopped smoking and they think that’s a big deal!

It’s Valentines tomorrow and big mouth here announced she was going to cook a meal, 3 courses, candles, the lot except I can’t flipping cook. I’m not joking either. Even the cats do a runner when they see me with a pan in my hand
I did actually think about getting a take away and pretending I had cooked it but that’s a bit obvious. I suppose after 9 years of marriage he knows to expect something inedible. Thing is, he won’t even pretend it tastes nice, he will just laugh and I will go in a huff and he will laugh some more and then I will laugh and then go in a huff because he is making me laugh.

I so meant to got o church yesterday, I set my alarm and everything and then, when it came to it, I couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed and so I felt really guilty all day and I hate that. So I am going to make a special effort next week and I am definitely going to go. Honestly.

I found a little black dress in my wardrobe that I have never worn and forgot I had. Don’t you just love it when that happens!

I’m not ignoring y’all, I’m ill, again! Today’s trip to work is sponsored by Lemsip (can you get addicted to these things?).
I have spent the last 5 days dragging my sorry ass out of bed, to work and back to bed again, I vaguely recall a weekend but most of the memories are lost somewhere amongst the self pity and hot water bottles and today my vocal chords have decided to pack in.
I am going to sop writing now before you all decide I’m a boring whiney old cow and ban from your computer forever.